WHY

Since I was much younger I have said that a fitting epitaph for me would be: “Here lies David Axel Kurtz. He didn’t like school.”

You might be asking, why, then, did I return to the academy? This question I have been asking myself, until I have to tell myself quite forcefully to Shut Up. Allowing myself only one chide: how, how, could I have been so fucking stupid.

My intentions were pure. It was to be a means to an end. I want to do things with myself. I want to organize, to manage, to lead. I want to problem-solve. I want to cut Gordian knots, and untie them, and tie them tighter, as is called for. I want to Do Stuff, god dammit. I don’t want to be bored. Law school is a route one may take, to a shining city and its name Not Bored.

But that is only a general description of ends. I have not been able to define them the better. Tinker, Tailor, Soldier… unknown. Some ideas. Some guesses. Much based on what I’ve read about, having, despite my best efforts, seen not much. A lawyer? Perchance. One of the thousand of Professions or lives wherein a legal education would be of benefit? Not unlikely. A foot in the door to a thousand jobs and a thousand more besides? Most certainly.

Maybe not one city, but a thousand, and any one to satisfy. Law school seemed most able to move me nearer them. It would take away few options, and give many. It would be of use no matter what I did. And let us be quite honest: I had no other option. I could not think of any. None to find. And I searched, high and low. No door my foot to get in; I couldn’t find what to do. At least this would give me something to do.

But this is focusing on ends. So far it has not provided any, but this is not unexpected. I have little time to apply for work – for associateships six months’ in the future. I have no time to take up work here-and-now. Many good discussions to be had as to what I wish to accomplish, and how best to get there. If in three years, or even in one, I find it has helped me or no, we may discuss its utility in regards to ends.

So means, then. How is law school?

It’s awful.

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