I spoke of the resources at my disposal: apartment, bicycle, computer, too-much-money-but-not-enough. Four months: a resource, a constraint. That’s all.
It cannot be stressed enough: I have a computer, and no responsibilities, and no undertakings. What more does one need? What more to want, in a vacuum, alone? I don’t need anything. Not a fucking thing. Anything I undertake will by necessity be a surrogate activity. I’ve got all the choice in the world. French, Turk, Proosian. Alright, then. So it’s so.
What to do?
Well, I could spend the summer taking classes at the lawl school. But there’s a six-semester requirement for graduation, so it would not hasten my exit. Moreover, the ninety credits required for graduation are a trifle: I will have completed *more* than a third of these in my first year, and several of the required classes at the upper level are known to be significantly easier (Professional Responsibility, anyone?). Also it would cost more, and jesus christ. As a result I do not think this would be of the remotest value.
I could spend the summer searching for other educational opportunities. What? A community college course that I could have taught half a decade ago (or more); an Adult Ed program where I can mix with the cream of Portland’s bored housewives and retirees? I can think of few classes in the world of the real or the fanciful that I should like to attend. Course-credit has never meant much to me, and even less now that I’m getting it by the forkful fall and spring. If I wanted to learn, I’d learn. Fuck classes. Fuck them right the eye.
So: learning, then. Set myself a course of study, kick back and get my learn on. Study a subject. Write a paper. Complete a curriculum, but do it myself. How many times have I done this? We have passed the point of diminished returns going 90 down a hill. General learning: O, this I have, I think. More learning for-its-own-sake will have no practical benefit to me. Not unless I have a project and am working up on.
A project, then. I do not have one. Have tried for years to think of one. Do not have one. What am I? I am a businessman, a project manager. I organize, I strategize, I lead. I get my hands as dirty as I am able but I am not a programmer, not an engineer. I have not been able to think of a way, A SINGLE WAY, to contribute to a substantive project by my lonesome. Maybe out there are people who can hide in their rented holdfasts and hammer out Rings of Power all alone. I ain’t they.
I’ve done volunteer work of a dozen stripes. Some of it I quite enjoyed: it was good hard work, maybe even creative, maybe with authority, responsibility. None of it was ever working towards something which I much cared be done. It is the sad or happy fact that most of the things which I should wish done, are profitable; as such they are made or sought by for-profit companies. Thus the makers/seekers are enjobbed. I’d need to have a job. And we’re back to square one.
I could, I suppose, spend four months trying desperately to think of something that will justify me dropping out of school to attempt it, four months searching for a startup worth the starting. But while I’m doing that, I can bike around.
Which bring us to…